4.14.2008

on being strong

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life, when other people around you are scared, or worried, or in some other way distressed? And you have to be the one who puts aside emotions, and makes decisions, and is reassuring? Even when you are also losing it?

I had a moment like that today.

It was really weird. I've always been one to ignore reality in order to make things seem easier. It's kind of a lazy person's self-preservation technique. Things don't ever get too bad because I don't think about them. True, it may not be the best way to deal with stress, but for me it's seemed to generally work out over the course of my life. However, a result of this is that I have a tendency to become calloused in certain situations in which I should otherwise be emotionally open. It's kind of a double-edged sword, I guess.
But it's a double-edged sword that is necessary, because I am also a compulsive worrier. I know how odd that must seem, right? I put forward a front of one of the most laid-back people in existence, but really even little things eat me up inside. So, I try to ignore problems before I can start thinking about them and therefore consume me. It usually works out okay.
But there are times in our lives in which something truly important comes into jeopardy, and even people like me get worried. Really worried. And it's times like these in which I have to be strong for the people I usually draw my strength from. It seems odd to me, but I sort of shut off my emotions and become hyper-logical. I don't so much feel things as think about feeling things. It's like I experience life through a veil; that I'm not really there. Very similar to when I'm ignoring too much. But the main difference between ignoring emotions and setting emotions aside is that with the latter there is a sense of urgency, that I still have all of the other thoughts screaming inside my head.

And honestly, the best and worst part of it is the resolution to the crisis.

Because after all of that pent-up stress, panic, fear, and general chaos happening in my head, the release of it when I cease to be logical and start listening to myself again is almost painful. I think this is why most people cry after something traumatic, even though I don't. Being so concerned about what might have happened, and replaying a scenario turned out differently in your head, and feeling every emotion that you would have felt had that happened... it's just quite a bit to deal with at once.

Still, I am glad today happened. Because I got to see something that I never could have prepared myself for. And that is a big thing, because I am good at preparing myself for things.

1 comment:

Cakie said...

mm..i think that's pretty much the way i feel ("feel") too. unless i deliberately change my entire perspective/person.

sorry, im just some random person who found your blog when trying to see if apple juice & jack daniels mixed. i also read your "what i have to deal with every day" (or something) post so now i have to assure you im not a psychopath haha..especially with what i said up there.